This is a test

I know I owe you a post about my femme battle. But I don’t want to write about that right now; I want to write about this.

The last few months have given me the run around. Things have finally been looking up, and I’ve been really excited to look toward the future. Until today. When my driving my car became more like taking a ride on the Scrambler. We’ve had a lot of bad weather in the Midwest, but the roads have been good for traveling for a bit. However, this morning I got in an accident and banged up my car. Yep, the new car I bought in December after totaling the other one.

I’d never received a ticket before my November accident, and in the last 3 months I’ve totaled a car, damaged another, and gone through the legal trouble to reduce the charges from the first accident. It kills me that I seem so irresponsible lately; and such a bad driver! I was taught to be a defensive driver – always looking at my surroundings and anticipating what others might do. Oh well. Never hurts to be a little more cautious.

I’m not really an “it all happens for a reason” person, but this just screams PAY ATTENTION! Clearly someone/thing is trying to communicate with me. If I’m being tested, I’m not sure how much more I can endure. Just when I’m on the mend I get pushed back down. But this time I brought a rope and a ladder, I’ll make my way back to the surface, just you watch.

A few decent things have come from all this, though. I’ve discerned that I really can handle a problem when it happens. I know just who to call and in what order (my mother last!). This is also helping some of my control and anxiety issues. I never would have thought that deep breathing and learning to be calm would become so handy.

I’ve also become a lot closer to some of the people in my life. A friend has been there for both accidents and immediately offered support (and booze). She’s pretty awesome, and I feel really lucky to be a part of her life. The other is my person. She’s there through everything and keeps proving time and time again how wonderful she is and how much she cares for me. Something I never take for granted.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow morning I’ll get a call that they will be fixing my car. A deductible I can handle right now; a new car, not so much. If you have a few extra positive thoughts or vibes or good hippy lovin’ left, please send them all my way. I promise to return the favor whenever you find yourself in need.

Stay warm, stay safe, stay away from me on the roads.

 

What You Missed…..

I fail. I suck. If I were your pen pal you would have thought I’d died. But I’m alive! I swear!

Welcome to a whole new year  here at CapitolFemme’s little piece on the internet. I have not posted anything in far too long. It isn’t for lack of things to say, believe me. I was just out in the world living. I decided to take a little time off from the internet and interact with my surroundings a bit more. There was less tweeting, less blogging, less blog reading, etc. It was lovely, really, but I missed all of you.

Alright, time for a little catching up. Quite a few things have happened since we were last together. I dated someone for the mere joy of dating. It didn’t work out. I have been sick more times than I care to count (currently getting over bronchitis). I spent my first Christmas home with family as an adult – fun and disastrous. My job gave me a thorough beat down or two. A new femme came in to my group of friends and we battled for the top spot. I opened my eyes (and heart) to someone who’s been in my life for some time but I was afraid of. That one’s still unfolding.

I hope to devote a little more time to all of you. I missed processing and figuring things out here. Plus, I have to tell you the story of the femme-off that took place. Who knew I was so territorial?

I’m happy to be back! What have I missed in your lives?

 

Those little things really do add up

It isn’t difficult to pay attention to someone when they speak. For some, however, it is difficult to actually listen to what they are hearing and retain the information.

I’ve been told that I would make an excellent secretary/executive assistant/posh housewife because I have the ability to remember small, seemingly insignificant, details about people and the goings on in their lives. In my time as an intern for various companies and people I perfected the art of the “whispered name.” That’s where you swiftly whisper in the ear of your boss the name of the person walking up to you, perhaps adding his wife or children’s names for extra credit, without said person noticing.

It had never occurred to me how this skill – to listen and remember – would be useful in my every day life.

I have had the pleasure of being plunged into social situation with the same group of 20-30 people countless times in the past few weeks. Many of my conversations have gone beyond pleasantries and small talk into more detailed and intimate information about people’s lives. I’ve heard about sick children, annoying mother-in-law visits, ill-fitting clothing, break-up stories (while the ex stands across the room, that was fun), terrible roommates, etc.

You don’t necessarily need to know or hardly remember this shared information, but I find it kind to follow-up and ask how things are going. Is Johnny getting over his cold? How is your mother-in-law doing? How was your presentation on the usefulness of post-it notes? By asking these questions you are showing the person you paid attention during your last encounter as well as making some sort of statement that they are important to you, that you care about them. (I find asking about Dave’s wife’s broken ankle much more meaningful than hi dear, how was your day?) This builds your relationship – platonic, romantic, professional, whathaveyou.

I attended a breakfast this morning with many of the usual suspects. As I was leaving I saw an acquaintance and asked how his event fared the previous weekend. He stopped in his tracks and looked completely taken aback. He had an amazed look on his face and simply said the event was great and thanks for asking, not many people remembered or cared to ask. I was shocked, he’s been talking about this event for a few weeks now – of course I would ask. He had that special sparkle in his eye whenever he was doing promotions and I knew it was important to him.

On my way home it struck me how much we don’t pay attention to what people say. It is one thing to have a conversation with someone and to equally share and engage. But it is another to recall that information and to use  it to better understand and relate to this person (no, I do not mean that you should judge another because of this information). I have a few friends I talk to on almost a daily basis, and whether they live 10 minutes or 10,000 miles, I still know details about their days, their lives, and the people they interact with. Because I ask. Because I take the time to stop talking about myself and my shit (don’t get me wrong, I call to vent and rant all the time) to learn about them and to demonstrate my care for them.

I hope that others do this too. That they stop and ask if Sally won her softball game and how Bobby’s dance recital went. Wouldn’t we all be a little happier to know that someone pays attention and considers us important enough to remember?

 

 

Don’t use THAT pan!

There is someone else in my kitchen cooking me dinner.

The kitchen is my holy place. I know where things are. I know how everything works. All the quirks and tricks of each knife and appliance. Having someone else in the kitchen wouldn’t bother me if I hadn’t been kicked out and told to go do something else and wait for dinner.

But, but, you’re in MY kitchen!!

I suppose the larger point here is that I am allowing another person in. In my kitchen, my home, my life. She wants to cook me a birthday dinner and I let her. It has been a long time since I’ve let someone into my life – allowed them to see and experience the real me. But she’s being gentle and understanding. And slowly but surely I am opening up and exposing more of my life to her.

It’s scary, but I’m remembering how nice it can be to have someone else around to care for and fuss over you. She is welcome in my kitchen for now – we’ll see how well she cleans up to determine if she’s welcomed back!

 

 

A Year Later

I’ve written this post about a thousand times. In my head, on post-it notes, cocktail napkins, notebooks, emails to myself, epic essays and short, crass statements. There was so much to get out, so much to reflect upon. And every time I wrote something it was completely different than the time before.

But I think the only thing that really matters (or needs to be said) is this:

A full year has gone by. I am an entirely different person, but I am more me today than I have ever been.

 

Did my FairyGodGay send you?

I don’t need a knight in shining armor. I don’t need someone to come and rescue me, to sweep me away to their castle. You seem to understand that.

You are my prince charming. You are handsome and kind. You support me in everything that I do. You hold me close when I’m feeling uncertain and scared and provide that extra kick in the ass when I’m being stubborn. You make me want to better myself for me. You push me to my limits, always forcing me to test the waters but never letting me get in over my head.

You are prince charming, but I’m afraid to be your Cinderella. Give me a little time and I know I could be. Don’t give up on me yet. There are still some things I need to do and learn. I’ll let you know when it’s time to wear the glass slipper and ride away in a pumpkin.

But I wanted to say thank you for slaying the dragon, searching for the foot to fit the slipper, battling my evil stepmother. Your deeds and charm have not gone unnoticed, nor will they be forgotten.

 

The Golden Rule

I never thought I would find myself saying or doing things I accused others of doing that I consider wrong or inappropriate. But last week I did.

I’d won passes to an advance screening of The Kids Are All Right a few days prior, and I was super psyched to see the film.

When I was waiting in line to enter the theater I thought, “why are there not more queer people here?” As soon as I had the thought, I paused. Why should there be more queers at this film. It isn’t a “queer” movie. It is just a movie. Simply because a film has homosexual characters does not mean that it is required to be marketed to a gay audience or that only gays would want to see the film.

For years I have wished to live in a world where Mary Jo can bring home either Peggy Sue or Billy Bob and Mom and Dad will accept either with ease. A world where gay and straight don’t make a difference, everyone just sees love. I don’t want adolescents to have to come out – just date whomever they see fit.

But here I was doing exactly what I hoped people wouldn’t do. I was judging a group of people based on my own preconceived notions. But The Kids Are All Right is an extraordinary film with a wonderful glimpse into a family in Southern California. Yes, the lead couple is gay. Yes, the film was directed by a lesbian. But those factors only enhance the genius of the movie.

When I got to my car I sat in stunned silence. This was the first movie I’d ever seen that made me feel like it could possibly be my life. I related more to Jules and Nic (Julianne Moore and Annette Bening) more than most movie characters. Even their children mirrored aspects of my own life.

The movie was moving and real and so honest. There may not have been many queers in the audience, but I think that is a testament to both the film and how far we have come in the world. This is not an indie, small budget, queer film. It is mainstream, it is being talked about across the country, and I loved it. I hope that more people see The Kids Are All Right and have the opportunity to see the world in a new and enhanced way.

 

Bigotry? Misunderstood? Under-educated?

Two months ago I graduated from college and moved back home until I could get a job and move out on my own (which I am doing in 19 days!!!).  I have been living in my hometown and until this weekend I haven’t really experienced that “back home” feeling.

My hometown goes all out over the 4th of July with a huge community carnival and fireworks show.  I think I have only missed the fireworks there three or four times in my life and was really excited to go this year (since I’m moving permanently).  However, this meant I was destined to run into numerous people I knew from way back when.

I was settled in to watch the fireworks when a really good friend came up to say hello.  This is the guy who I kinda-sorta-not really dated early in high school, let’s call him A.  We see each other once or twice a year to catch up and he was only in town for the one day so I knew I needed say a quick hello.  I asked how things were, what’s new in life, etc.  When I said “what’s new?” A. responded, “Still the same gender? Can I ask that? Too early? ”

Side bar, I have briefly mentioned before that The Ex is transgendered (FTM).  We dated through part of high school and nearly all of college.  My friends (from both stages in my life) knew him by his female name and identity, and many are still struggling or confused by his maleness.  Hell, I even still struggle with his maleness at times!

To say that I was stunned is an understatement.  I am a girl with a response to everything and I was speechless.  A. was never all that comfortable with my homosexuality and had a large distaste for The Ex, but never would I expect something so….off color from him.  When I got over my initial shock I mumbled something about it indeed being too early and that I am still the same gender and I wouldn’t make that comment in front of The Ex.

After that everything became tense and awkward.  I couldn’t believe that I had a friend who would say something so insensitive.  However, this is a person who hasn’t had much exposure to the LGBT community.  It doesn’t give him a pass but it does tell me that we need more education about trans and other LGBT issues.  As a culture we tend to mock and badmouth things that we are afraid of or do not understand, and I feel it is my job to help these people understand our community and end the mocking and hateful talk.  Hopefully then I can have meaningful conversations with people from my past without being offended or having to walk on eggshells around someone else’s prejudices.

 

My baggage has polka dots, does yours?

I was flipping through the channels the other day when I came across a game show called Baggage.  The details of show are a little fuzzy, but the main point is that a man or woman will somehow select a person they want to potentially date.  Once selected, the dater then opens a suitcase to reveal their “baggage” and the datee has the option to decide if it is “too much” baggage and not go on a date or look past whatever it is and hit the town.

In this particular episode a man was revealing his baggage to a woman.  When he opened the suitcase there is a small sign that read “I’ve had sex with a man.” The woman claimed this was too much baggage and sent him on his merry way.  Clearly I was outraged (as I so often am)!

First of all, why does this constitute baggage?  So he got drunk at a party in college, or (gasp) enjoys sex with all people and is comfortable enough to share that with you.  I seriously do not think that a heterosexual person who has at some point in the past had some sort of sexual encounter with someone of the same sex consider that baggage.  For me, baggage is something like I was left at the alter and now have commitment issues, I have 3 children, I live with my mother, etc.  There is no reason that sex should constitute baggage.

Of course the, slightly, larger issue here is that the woman said his baggage was TOO MUCH!  Seriously, lady?  I understand that baggage comes from events and emotions in the past and dealing with past relationships.  But his admission of having sex with someone of the same sex seems to me as though it was a one time encounter (purely by the use of man and not men).  Should that then deter her from picking him?  He did not say he is currently having sex with men or that he intends to do so in the future.  Why is it such a deal-breaker for this potential date to have had sex with another man?  If he’d had sex with a prostitute or used a call girl would she have still said no?

I simply do not understand why this was something too shocking and out of the ordinary that should could not (or would not) look beyond and enjoy a date with a man she was clearly attracted to.  I just don’t ‘get’ people.

 

Nope, I don’t need a man, but thanks.

A million years ago (okay, maybe 2 months or so) I was asked a question….

[My girlfriend and I] go out, to bars or whatever, and will be playing pool, and we meet new people, mostly ones that want to play whomever wins the current game, and without fail at least one man will talk to me about ‘the lesbian thing.’ The conversation always turns to some sort of ‘so do you guys just like each other or do you want company’ sort of offer, and have to play it off like I’m not completely repulsed and kinda laugh it off and politely decline. But then I think about it, and I was NEVER approached when I was with a man, and I don’t understand why they think it’s okay to offer themselves up when it’s two women. Is a lesbian relationship seen as less committed? Do they think that we all secretly want male companionship (or equipment)? Why is that okay?

I have taken my sweet time responding because I am just not sure what to say.  The first question or implication of lesbians being propositioned more frequently than heterosexual couples is generally because a man has it in his head that there are now 2(!) women who will fawn over him in bed.  If he were to invite himself into a het couple’s bedroom, he would potentially have to come into contact with another man (shock!) and could be seen as gay (omg!).  I think that a lot of this (the propositioning) comes about because pop culture has advertised lesbian sex as hot, sexy, taboo, something naughty – and we all know sex sells.  Perhaps these men just want a chance to get up close and personal with real life lesbians.

Now, I wouldn’t say that we receive this sort of attention because our relationships are viewed as less committed, perhaps just misunderstood.  People outside the queer community see the friendship first and the love and devotion/commitment second.  There is a lack of recognition of the true emotions and commitment involved in a lesbian relationship across much of the United States (and parts of the world).  This is where I feel it is our responsibility to demonstrate that our love is every bit as intense as the love of any other human – no matter the sexuality.

I really want to respond with something along the lines of people are assholes.  But this is something we deal with frequently, and we have to find strength and bravery in standing up to these people.  We are brave to know that bigotry and cruelty exist in the world and yet choose to live as we are and not make excuses or try to hide.  So, continue to be you, to express your love in public (if that’s your thing), to stand up to jerks who invite themselves along for the ride.

*All opinions expressed are mine alone and based on my personal experiences.  I do not speak for anyone but me.*