Bigotry? Misunderstood? Under-educated?

Two months ago I graduated from college and moved back home until I could get a job and move out on my own (which I am doing in 19 days!!!).  I have been living in my hometown and until this weekend I haven’t really experienced that “back home” feeling.

My hometown goes all out over the 4th of July with a huge community carnival and fireworks show.  I think I have only missed the fireworks there three or four times in my life and was really excited to go this year (since I’m moving permanently).  However, this meant I was destined to run into numerous people I knew from way back when.

I was settled in to watch the fireworks when a really good friend came up to say hello.  This is the guy who I kinda-sorta-not really dated early in high school, let’s call him A.  We see each other once or twice a year to catch up and he was only in town for the one day so I knew I needed say a quick hello.  I asked how things were, what’s new in life, etc.  When I said “what’s new?” A. responded, “Still the same gender? Can I ask that? Too early? ”

Side bar, I have briefly mentioned before that The Ex is transgendered (FTM).  We dated through part of high school and nearly all of college.  My friends (from both stages in my life) knew him by his female name and identity, and many are still struggling or confused by his maleness.  Hell, I even still struggle with his maleness at times!

To say that I was stunned is an understatement.  I am a girl with a response to everything and I was speechless.  A. was never all that comfortable with my homosexuality and had a large distaste for The Ex, but never would I expect something so….off color from him.  When I got over my initial shock I mumbled something about it indeed being too early and that I am still the same gender and I wouldn’t make that comment in front of The Ex.

After that everything became tense and awkward.  I couldn’t believe that I had a friend who would say something so insensitive.  However, this is a person who hasn’t had much exposure to the LGBT community.  It doesn’t give him a pass but it does tell me that we need more education about trans and other LGBT issues.  As a culture we tend to mock and badmouth things that we are afraid of or do not understand, and I feel it is my job to help these people understand our community and end the mocking and hateful talk.  Hopefully then I can have meaningful conversations with people from my past without being offended or having to walk on eggshells around someone else’s prejudices.

 

And then there was a girl

I’ve kinda…..met somebody.  Nothing serious (god, I don’t think I could handle anything remotely serious right now).  But I’ve met a girl nonetheless.

We started talking through OkCupid a few weeks ago exchanging pleasantries and random stories about our lives.  The last few days have found the relationship escalating – now we text and talk on the phone.  And I’m freaking out.

She is very sweet and kind.  However, we’ve been talking only 3 or 4 days and already there are warning signs all over the place.  She mentions very serious issues and topics that I personally would not breech within the first week of talking to someone new.   And suddenly, seeing how free and open she is with telling me all this personal information told me how incredibly NOT ready I am for dating.

I’ve been saying for a month or so that I just want to start dating.  I want casual.  I want to go out to dinner.  I want to grab a drink.  I wan to have fun.  Nothing serious.  No casual sex (that’s not my thing).  But I need to get out of myself and have a good time.  I thought that talking to this new girl would help with that.  Unfortunately, it seems to have had the opposite effect.

I realized a few days ago that I fell right back into old patters with her that I did with The Ex.  I started using a cutesy pet name (I do that with most people and have yet to figure out why), I respond to her messages nearly immediately, and I became much too comfortable too quickly.  I am a super freaking independent person!  I need my space!  I need to be me! GAH!  Sometimes it is harder to remind myself of these things than I thought.  I need to find myself and be happy with that person before I plunge into anything new.  Even then, I do not think that plunging will be appropriate.

So, after taking a moment to analyze and determine what I really want from her/how I want to act in this situation, I told this new girl a little bit about my dating history and why I’ve been withdrawn the last few days.  All I received in response: Ok.  What does that mean?  I told her that I’m not looking for anything serious, that I just want to have fun.  She replied: I’m not looking for anything.  Then why are you on a frakking dating site and keep telling me how I should meet your family and crap? Women! I don’t get them!

Perhaps I am at square one.  Perhaps I need to cut my losses and stop talking to the slightly clingy, crazy girl.  But I am a sucker for someone who calls me cute and worries about me during the day.  My need to be desired always seems to get in the way, damnit.

For now, I take solace in that I was able to actually strike up a conversation with someone new (I did send the first message!).  I am learning this whole game called dating.  I will figure it out.  I will have fun.  I will attempt to remain the person I want to be.  But I will do it on my terms.

 

Two steps forward

And a million steps back.

That’s too dramatic. Maybe two forward and three back. I have been doing well lately. Perhaps I am not quite back to the semi-happy, healthy person I was in August, but I was well on my way. Currently I am in the thick of finals, but I just don’t care anymore and want to get through it all and sleep for days. (Note: I finished finals on Friday!)

So, I was doing better. I suppose that requires some explanation of why I was doing poorly. Short version: early September marked the end of my 5 year relationship. In the time since then, I have been struggling to find peace with who I am and to discover and become the person that I want to be. The breakup was amicable (I don’t think 5 years could end another way). However it propelled me into the worst depression that I have faced in my rather short life. That coupled with some poorly timed family drama has caused for a rather stressful and self-reflective semester.

But in the last few days I have been talking to friends about the end of the relationship. Emotions I was still feeling, items I still had around my room/house, etc. And in those days I actually made fairly large strides in the grieving/healing process. Photos were removed, items were gathered, a greeting card or two (blank to be sent to the Ex) were torn up and thrown away. I was feeling good. Well, I was feeling like crap, but it was oddly empowering to rid of some of the Ex’s things.

My life is becoming cleaner.  My apartment is rid of nearly all things Ex-related, and tonight I removed all photos of the two of us from my computer (not trashed permanently – they were put on a cd and then removed from my system).  I feel – liberated? no.  I feel – sad.  I feel like something is really ending, but I know down deep that this is helping me to heal and continue to move forward.  It is so easy to ignore what really pains us the most.  I must deal with this pain and not just get used to living with it.

Anyway, those are the steps forward.  There have definitely been steps back.  The Ex and I have attempted to maintain a friendship throughout the termination of the relationship.  There have been some fairly serious, demanding, life-altering revelations and changes that the Ex has had to go through (coming out as transgendered and transitioning from female to male), and I feel like I can’t just leave him to suffer and work through on his own.  We talk all the time.  About life, about sex, about love, about school, about…..everything.  There is still a bit of a wall up to protect both our hearts.  Or, there was.

A week or so ago it seemed like everything changed.  The Ex was much more forward with calling me cute and adorable and giving me compliments.  I appreciate these things dearly, but it hurts to hear them.  It brings a pain to my chest every time he says something about the way I look or act that he appreciates.  I feel as though every small step I take move on with my life is met with him tugging me back.  He’s expressed that he still loves me, and on one very sad and depressed night I did the same.  But, I am going forward.  I am trying to keep my life moving forward.  I’m afraid that he’s not.

He has the url to this blog, and I’ve told him that I will be using this as a space to express myself in whatever manner I see fit.  But – to the Ex – I do love you.  However, we’ve been saying this for awhile, love EVOLVES.  Life EVOLVES.  I do not want to lose your friendship, your care and generosity.  These things are not said as a passive way to tell you to back off.  I process out loud, I need to get it all out in the open before I can sort through and figure out what it all means.

I am concerned that by keeping open communication, I am preventing either of us from closing the door to the relationship we once had.  Time is beginning to heal what we cannot, but will there always be a flame there?  Am I kidding myself by thinking that he can still be my best friend and confidant with the tumultuous waters rushing under the bridge?  I want him in my life, but I worry that with him there I will be walking around with open wounds.  Just more to think about I suppose…..